Floating Rock Mentality

Preface: This is an old blog post I wrote back during the peak of covid/quarantine in 2020. Although I don't love the way it's written, I wanted to repurpose it here because it reflects a monumental shift in my mindset. Hopefully you can take something away from it :)

- Halle 2022

March of 2020

It wasn't until COVID-19 happened that not only my life got flipped upside down, but so did my mindset. I went from what I thought was living my best life to living an absolute nightmare. As if quarantine wasn't rough on its own, I had also got really sick, was freshly broken up with, developed a new eating disorder, and had never hated myself and my life more. While each of those could be a story within themselves, that's not the one I'm here to tell today.

Wake up, eat, exercise, swipe through Tinder, waste countless hours on TikTok, go to bed; It was an endless routine of sadness and nothingness. But one day I decided to switch it up and go for a drive. Of course I had nowhere to go but that didn't matter. I put on a playlist *cough cough a playlist that reminded me of my ex and literally took over my Spotify wrapped* and just drove. I was searching for a feeling of something I once felt. The feeling of being alive.

I put down all the windows, opened the sunroof, turned the music all the way up, and just drove. I drove the backroads of my small town for hours, back and forth, just to finally feel something. It took my mind of the nightmare that my life was and let me feel free for a just moment. After repeating this for a few days, I finally decided I needed to turn my life around. Nothing was going to change anytime soon so the least I could do was fix my mindset.

Mindset & Manifesting

To be completely honest, this started with Call Her Daddy. Yes- I know what you're thinking, a podcast about sex turned your life around? Yes, it 100% did. I worshipped that podcast like it was my bible. I took notes on my phone like I was going to be tested. Again, thanks Spotify wrapped for the proof. But it's not really the sex talk that took me out of my rut, it was the confidence that I was slowly starting to find within myself and believing that I'm in control of everything- kinda like main character mentality. Once I started to build myself back up, I could start to rewire my way of thinking.

The next step in my journey was learning about manifestation (which I was introduced to through TikTok). Now I'm not gonna sit here and try to convince you that its real... but here's why it's 100% real www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindfully-present-fully-alive/201812/manifestation-the-real-deal .

Anyways, I started manifesting and right before my eyes, I started to see results. Now I can't tell you all the things I manifested because I don't wanna seem CRAZY but just trust me it works! A big part of my manifesting though, was really just changing my outlook on life. I believe that the energy you put out is the energy you receive. How could I ever expect things to go my way when I could only focus on the negative?

After a few months, my life was finally starting to feel like it was coming back together. It may have even been improved thanks to the new mindset and techniques I was learning. But the combination of these still wasn't nearly as important as my great epiphany. A new life crisis had emerged. One that I couldn't fix as easily. It was something I needed to learn in order to change my life.

Switching Paths

It started off as a few random moments where I felt alive but shortly after the moment passed, all I could think about is how I wished I could feel that way forever. Once I had that thought, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm wasting my life away by not actively chasing a life that makes me feel truly alive.

I'm aware that I'm only 19 but the idea of me being in college, sitting in classes I was miserable in, getting a 9-5, and having the same routine everyday started to crush me. I was watching Indy Blue live my dream life and it hurt that there was nothing I could do to change my own.

After lots of crying and talking through it with friends & family, I realized there was something I could do. As much as I wanted to drop out of college, move to Hawaii to make videos- that wasn't exactly in the budget. What I could do however, was change my major to something that could lead me down that path.

Ever since I was 5, I've said I wanted to be a marine biologist. I almost felt programmed to say that my whole life but when I said it, I could never actually see it.

What I really wanted to be was a YouTuber, but at that age, who didn't? Most kid's outgrew that phase, but for me it never left.

I remember crying in the eye doctors when I was 14 because the doctor asked me what I wanted to be and I replied, "a YouTuber". My mom laughed and told me that wasn't practical, which broke my 14 year old heart because I still believed, deep down, that I was meant for something bigger in life.

I knew exactly what I wanted to be, all I knew is I wanted to do something creative that would make others feel the way I did when I first saw the L$D A$AP Rocky video.

"No offense" I sobbed to my roommate, "but I think I'm too good for college and my brain is too creative to have a normal job. I don't belong here."

I still stand by that. I don't see myself having a normal job but for now I will be pushing through college, studying communications with a concentration in cinema and tv production instead :)

But don't worry, this STILL isn't the important takeaway. Sure I changed my major but ​in the grand scheme of things, a job cannot solely keep you happy for the rest of your life, only the feeling of being alive can.

Nothing Matters.

I sat on the couch night after night and the thought "nothing matters" kept popping into my head. I couldn't shake it. I saw a tweet the other day that said "if you think about it.. nothing really matters but like.. in a beautiful way." and thats EXACTLY what I was thinking in that moment.

Scientifically speaking, we were born onto this Earth for no goddamn reason. Sure it's nice to think theres something greater beyond this but realistically, we are on a floating rock. Yes, we have passions, hobbies, goals, dreams; but none of that really means anything beyond societal standards. Society- an imaginary concept created by humans. The pressure to succeed, be a certain way, do certain things is a social construct which we feel "forced" to follow because it's all we know.

But what if you just broke that. What if getting an education, going to a 9-5 job, having an everyday routine- ISN'T what makes you feel alive. What if you started watching sunrises with people you love, seeing all the things this beautiful planet has to offer, not holding anything back because you only have one life on this Earth. What if you spent your life feeling alive instead of just living?

I'm not naiive, I know that realistically everyone can't just drop everything they're doing and frolic into the sunset. But what if you started with the small things and took every opportunity you were given to live life to the fullest. Nothing matters in the end, we are all going to die so just DO IT. There is so much more out there for us than what society has made us think we are supposed to do. I really wish that saying yolo wasn't a cringy trend in 2012 because now I just truly wanna say YOLO all the time and do whatever.

After I started to look at my life with this mentality, things started to become clearer. And don't get me wrong, I'm not an expert on any of this because it was only recently when I decided to adapt this mindset. But ever since I've started living like this, I have been able to break my streak of crying everyday (which if you know me, you know is a BIG deal). I am nowhere near close to finished my journey, but I am actively working to be more spiritual and live freely everyday. Maybe in another post I'll share things I've been doing/what I've taken away from it, but for this post all I wanna say is live in the NOW. This life is inevitable so just be here and be present. Life is always going to come with struggles and hardships and mental battles but ​it's how you react to those situations and what you can learn from them that matters. 2020 has been a year that tested us all but I can confidently say I have come out stronger because of it.